By 
I haven’t felt okay for a while. I went into my birthday on July 4 with this feeling of exhaustion and just disorganization. After traveling for 3-months, we’d booked a trip to Tokyo as this birthday finale celebration on the way back to Bali. It was a bad idea.
I left Georgia, after visit family for 3-weeks, in a blur. I packed the morning of, and left so many things I’d planned to bring back, simply because there wasn’t time to analyze or make packing adjustments. I didn’t even have time to clean my room at my parents and felt awful about it.
I’d been lugging this cheap ass suitcase I bought on the whim the morning of leaving Morocco, and it was hanging on by a thread. I was supposed to replace it but there was no more time. The Uber was there, waiting to take us to the airport. It was time to go, but I was not ready. I was spent.
The entire ride to the airport felt like that typical pre-trip anxiety on steroids. My nervous system felt like I’d left the stove on, the water running, and the front door unlocked. I received an email from the airline with a short delay that opened the option of rescheduling the flight for the next day, and questioned if we should just change everything – abort the mission to land in Tokyo on my birthday at 6 AM, where we would ‘hit the ground running’.
But it didn’t feel like time would solve the problem. If I’d gone back to my parents, I wouldn’t repack and make better decisions. I’d sleep, cook, and find myself back in the same predicament, but instead I would be flying for my entire birthday. No, I was going to push through.
We booked a Tokyo apartment from the lounge in Atlanta. That’s how behind I was. I had not even booked accommodation – for my birthday trip!
Needless to say, I did not hit the ground running on my birthday in Tokyo. We landed at 6 AM. Could not check into our apartment until 3 PM. It was 95 degrees. And I felt, and smelled, like I had been traveling for a full day, because I had.
In an effort to simply get in air conditioning and sit down, we went to the movies after storing our luggage. We saw A Quiet Place: Day One. On my birthday. I hate scary movies.
Finally, we were able to check into our apartment. Our luggage was delivered and the cheap ass suitcase from Morocco was completely cracked open, missing a wheel. It wouldn’t make it back to Bali.
Tokyo kept on this way. Just bad decisions made without much patience or thought. Low energy would be an understatement. I was exhausted. Mentally, physically, spiritually. I was exhausted. During the 5-days we were there, we got the news of two deaths in our family, one day apart. It was awful. It made me think of this time, many years ago, I realized I was not okay and wrote this article, It’s Okay to Not be Okay. But I didn’t have time to address it. I could barely recognize it while on vacation. I was actually upset that I could not enjoy myself on this vacation after looking forward to it for months.
We had booked tickets to Disneyland Tokyo, and decided to go. It was this sliver of gold in a clump of mud. I just couldn’t wait to leave Tokyo. Again, I couldn’t make decisions or muster up the energy to do things I’m known for – like researching and creating a plan. I did not get a new suitcase, and just left the Morocco suitcase full of things in the apartment. Jarrell emptied his suitcase to make room for more of my stuff. It was a mess.
We got back to Bali on E in every way you can imagine. I was determined to kickstart things and get back to my life. We had been on the road for about 90-days. I knew I needed to recharge my battery, which I usually do by journaling, exercising, going to the spa, eating healthy, reading, all my little things.
I did them all. Nothing. My battery did not need a recharge. My battery was broken. I was broken. It was time to change the batteries.
It’s only in retrospect that I am able to identify I was not okay. And when I think back to all the things that happened over the 90-days of traveling, consistently out of my comfort zone, of course I wasn’t okay! I did not even touch the tip of the iceberg in the craziness of the trip. I will say, I spent one day in a police station abroad (as a victim, not a criminal. Lol). A lot happened.
So, I’m not resetting to get back to the old me. I’m rebuilding a new version of myself. Part of my process is shedding the skin, which for me includes admitting what happened, and writing about how it made me feel. Sometimes I simply journal, but I wanted to publish this.
My blog and social media presence has always centered this idea that we are living a collective experience. I share what I’m going through with the hopes that someone will feel seen. And I also tend to drag you along. Lol!
I created a Life Map, out of a personal need, in this process of rebuilding. It’s a cute, useful spreadsheet to help you identify and label your goals in eight different lifestyle pillars. Then, you choose 3-goals to work on for 12-weeks at a time.
I’ll be hosting a webinar showcasing how to use the Life Map (although it includes instructions for you to use it alone), and I will be creating some accountability groups to allow people to rebuild, restart, or refresh together.
Thanks for reading and always giving me grace. I appreciate you.
If you’re interested in joining me, here are the details to get your copy of the Life Map.
