“You’ve Reached a Ceiling”

It’s been a while, and a lot has changed. I guess my blog has become a sort of diary, which is kind of funny, because that is how it started.

So many of you have been reading my blogs through several name changes, career changes, and countless destinations. It started as my travel diary, a proof of life, if you will. I would share thee most random things – like how to catch the bus from Granada, Nicaragua to Managua, Nicaragua to later go on to Guatemala (no, I seriously wrote that article).

I’ve recently been looking back at our travel pictures and videos, a bit in awe of our journey. Starting in Panama, we spent 6-months in Central America. Then, a total of about 2-years in Europe. 3-months in Morocco. 2-years in Asia. Another 6-months in Europe. Then, another 4-years in Asia. 

Our life looks so much different now, grander than I ever dreamed, and I dream in detail.

I’m going to sound very old when I say this, but when we started traveling there was no such thing as a travel influencer, or an influencer in general. Never in a million years did I think that I would create a brand from… my life. And there was a large part of me that believed my writing would always be limited to ‘How to Spend a Week in Paris’ articles (Yes, I also actually wrote this article. I vividly remember it, because it was my first sponsored post and I felt like such a sellout promoting a car service in Paris. Damn capitalism! – lmao!)

The premise of us traveling the world was self-awareness. Right after we got married, as Jarrell drove me from LA to Columbus, we started having the deep discussions you should have before getting married. “What do you really want to do? Like, what’s your ideal life look like?”

We knew we did not know enough to choose. There just weren’t enough options I’d seen up close to make such an important decision that irrationally felt binding. If I thought of the lifestyle choices I knew as a catalogue I could pick from, there weren’t any options that felt like me. I didn’t just want to travel, I wanted to live abroad and see how other people lived. I wanted to gain a few more lifestyle options to add to the catalogue I was supposed to choose from.

It was Jarrell that introduced the idea that we could create the lifestyle we wanted, a concept that quickly morphed into a life motto, and later a brand tagline. If we could pick and choose lifestyle characteristics just for us, the possibilities for our dream lifestyle felt endless.

What I’ve learned along the way is the components of that dream lifestyle will continue to change. I’ve gone through so many phases, so many businesses, so many versions of myself. My interests and ambition would lead me from one goal to the next. Attaining each new accomplishment gave me direction, and purpose. For many years, I enjoyed the constant desire to climb.

I was recently explaining to a friend a strange feeling I’ve been trying to name. It’s like I’ve run out of dreams. My visions for myself never reached this far. She named it instantly, “You’ve reached a ceiling.”

It’s happened to me before when I named my first long-term goal – graduating from Howard. That dream started when I was 11 or 12, so it was a decade long journey to achieve. Then, living in LA, and finally, traveling the world. Each time, I’d have to go back to the drawing board and pick a new goal, a new direction to focus my energy. 

And at this time of year, I usually embrace this optimistic surge of transformative energy, ready to claim what I want and go after it with infinite ambition in the new year.

But I don’t think that is the case this time. While I do believe I’ve reached another ceiling in life, without a goal I am actively chasing, I’m in no rush to find another mountain to climb.

I like this plateau I worked so hard to reach. I literally sacrificed everything that was comfortable to me. We have lived abroad for over 9-years now. I carried everything I owned in a 35 Liter backpack for over 2 of those years. I hopped from one country to another with no homebase for 4 of those years. Physical books were a luxury we couldn’t afford, not only because of the cost, but the space. For years, I could not have a library of physical books, or a closet of clothes, or a desk of my own, or a desktop computer. This was my life for years.

We built this life, and our careers, for years in the most uncomfortable of uncertain circumstances. In retrospect its remarkable. In the moment it was remarkable, but only to us. No one thought it was a good idea. There was no farewell party or donations to help us create a life we loved.

So, maybe it’s time we throw ourselves that parade. It’s a concept I wrote about a long time ago. We were living in Greece, and finally seeing some success from our freelance careers. It was our last house-sitting gig, with our businesses and careers finally able to fully fund our life around the world. It felt monumental, but there was no parade.

Yesterday, I signed a contract to ghostwrite a book I’m extremely excited about. It’s the most excited I’ve been about a writing project in years. Then, I scheduled the monthly newsletter I send to the women coming on my Bali trips. I love the Bali trips so much. For a week, I get to take a group of women around the island I love, showing them my favorite sites and restaurants, spoiling them as my new family. These are both careers I dreamed up for myself and brought to life.

Today, I woke up in our home in Bali, baked cookies, read a chapter of the latest book I’m reading, and drank an espresso. Then, I got ready for the day, put on a silk caftan, opened the curtains in our office to reveal a beautiful rice field, cleaned my desk, and decided to write this.

I am living my dream. It feels remarkable in the moment. And I’m deciding to go into the new year celebrating that. Not chasing. Not seeking change. I mean, sure, I’m 35 – of course, I’d like to magically move the fat from my belly to my butt and still eat my cookies. But I’m happy. I’m very proud of the life we’ve created together. I’m very much in love, with Jarrell and our life. I’m extremely grateful that I get to be in control of my time and spend my days how I want.

So, that’s the update. I’m not searching for my next journey. I’m not looking to climb. I’m going to enjoy this level a bit more, maybe even throw a parade.

I guess I should also talk about the Bali trips I’m hosting next year. Damn capitalism. Lol! If you’re interested in visiting me in Bali, here’s more info on that. If you’d like a box of self-care from Bali, with my annual reflection guide, here’s info on that.

XOXO